Stoic /= Emotionless

I spent some time on a submarine in the Navy, it was more lonely than I can properly relay with words. As a nub (Non-Useful Body,) I wasn’t supposed to have any form of entertainment besides my study material and notes. I had decided beforehand that I would be ‘all work and no play,’ despite knowing that ‘makes Jack a dull boy.’ and didn’t download any books or games on my phone. Eventually something had to give and, as luck would have it, I had an app called “Stoic Reading” on my phone which just so happened to have its contents available to read offline (apparently Verizon doesn’t get 5G at 7 fathoms.) So in my precious little free time, I started reading the works and recorded conversations of Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and others. Amidst the fish, and swish, and isolation, this was the only thing that got me through it, other than looking at old pictures of loved ones. It was the only good part of my day, the only time I got to relax, but it also shaped my mind. The biggest lessons I took from it were to accept what you cannot control, work hard to better what you can control, and don’t subject yourself to mental torment because of some misfortune. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry, but don’t be sad that you’re sad, don’t cry about crying. Just accept life and do your best. If something is not within your control, it is neither good or bad. If something is within your control, you have the power to make it good. Nobody can make you believe anything you judge as untrue, and nobody can make you do anything. They may be able to threaten and coerce you, but they cannot force you to make the choice. Maybe a villain could physically force you to pull the trigger of a gun they’ve pointed at an innocent person, but then you didn’t make the choice, did you? Things didn’t get easier on the boat, I continued being overworked, underslept, and isolated, but these thoughts did help me ’embrace the suck,’ or accept my fate.

When seeing a therapist after that journey, I mentioned to her how stoic philosophy helped me through the whole ordeal, and she said (something along the lines of) ‘That sounds like a very unhealthy way to live, holding in your feelings like that.’ And I felt she had missed the point entirely. At least, by my understanding, stoicism isn’t about suppressing or hiding feelings or attempting not to feel them, it’s about embracing every part of life, whether it seems fortunate or painful or joyous or pointless, these feeling are natural and normal and it’s okay to feel them. Just don’t mentally torture yourself because you’re stuck in a position or situation you don’t like. Either find a way out, or accept that you’re stuck. Acceptance doesn’t mean absence of feeling, you don’t stop loving and missing someone just because you hit the final stage of grief, it just means you’re ready to move forward.

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